Powerful Way to Change a Habit: Use Awareness, Acceptance & Action
Do you beat yourself up for interrupting people? Perhaps you want to stop being late or curb your tendency to offer unsolicited advice. Maybe there’s another “bad habit” you’d like to change.
The following 3-step process can help you shift a habit, quiet your inner critic and boost your empathy muscle all at the same time!
Step 1: If you’re ruminating on how bad, inconsiderate or insensitive you are, stop as soon as you realize it and take some deep breaths. If you’re in a place where you can, give yourself a warm hug. This will make you feel better instantly. Replace your inner critic with self-compassion:
· Remind yourself that is no one is always as kind and considerate as they wish they were. You’re human -- no better or worse than anyone else.
· Pretend you’re comforting a loved one; say kind, reassuring words to yourself — out loud if possible.
· See if you can focus on the good news that you’re now aware of something you want to change -- something you have the power to influence.
Step 2: Once you’re clear about the specific habit or behavior you wish to change, spend a few minutes asking yourself about what might be fueling this behavior.
· What purpose might it serve? Does it benefit you in some way?
· Where might it have originated?
· Are there fears or needs fueling it?
Jot down your musings on paper so you can come back to them. Then shift gears for a day. Later read what you wrote and ask yourself if you are achieving the result you sought when you behaved that way. If not, what did you get? Try to simply observe this information with calm detachment; don’t use it as an excuse to re-start the self-recrimination.
Step 3: Reflect on the likely benefits of a different, perhaps opposite, behavior. Try to get a sense of how the new habit might feel in your body. For instance, if you want to stop being late, this change might mean goodbye to missed appointment fees and help improve your mood and lower stress. List several concrete actions you might take to develop the new habit, such as setting calendar alerts when time to leave for an appointment, getting real about how long a drive takes or how much prep time you need before a virtual meeting. Then start taking those action steps!
Polarity Management: A High-Brow Take on the Process
A similar approach I tried recently is “polarity management”. This video led me through an exercise to replace “OR thinking” with “AND thinking” and change one’s perception of a problem needing solving to a more compassionate view of co-existing tendencies that are neither good nor bad.
I first identified the two “poles” of an issue that was causing me negative self-talk and anxiety. I followed the presenter’s instructions and created a polarity map to visualize my opposing tendencies. These were my desire to stay safe and relaxed, on one side, and a desire to stretch beyond my comfort zone and meet new people, on the other. Then I came up with the upsides and the downsides of each pole. Last, I listed specific actions that would motivate me either way.
I realized I don’t need to eliminate either tendency. I want more awareness of my choices so I can consciously stay the course or shift toward the other pole.
This process feels akin to the “awareness, acceptance, action” tool above. Those of you with a nerdy sensibility like me may wish to try polarity management -- a popular management tool used by organizations and individuals. See Resources below. Drop me a line if you try either method. I’d love to hear how it went!