Asking for Help is A Superpower!
Why Is it So Hard?
My sister died recently. A widow a few years older than me, she suffered from numerous chronic medical conditions, but insisted on living alone.
I wanted to respect her autonomy, but I worried about her wellbeing. I asked a nurse from the local hospital and my sister’s long-time friend to help me hire a caregiver/ housekeeper to make sure she was safe. Stubborn and fiercely independent, she fired one helper after another. Over time her health sharply declined, as did the state of her house.
We tried many times but she repeatedly refused our help. Ever since her death, I’ve wondered: Why did it have to end that way?
I keep circling back to a common but mistaken belief that it’s not okay to ask for or receive help from other people. We think, “I don’t want to be a burden.” Or “They don’t really want to help.” Or “I’m not worthy.” And, especially, “I’m supposed to look after myself.”
My reflections led me to a Harvard Business Review piece on why we hesitate to seek help, how this attitude negatively impacts our relationships and why it’s important to pressure-test it, especially at work. The authors also provide practical tips for turning it around.
Why We Resist Asking for Help
The HBR authors say the reasons we have trouble asking for help include:
Fear of losing control and feeling beholden to others
Fear of being vulnerable, losing face or appearing weak
Need to be independent based on cultural and family messages (often called a characteristic of white supremacist culture)
Fear of rejection and not wanting to risk “no”Desire not to be seen as entitled and selfish
Sense of victimhood – “I don’t deserve to be helped” or “My needs don’t matter”
They add, “Adverse childhood experiences like neglect and abuse may have contributed to their reluctance. People who have endured abuse often try to be invisible by making very few demands.”
What Research Says about Our Desire to Help
Research over decades has shown that asking for and providing help builds trust and strengthens relationships.
In a fascinating Stanford Report, social psychologist Xuan Zhao described her discovery that, instead of avoiding helping others, most people really want to assist others – at home, at work, in every context.
“Work by Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki has shown that empathizing with and helping others in need seems to be an intuitive response,” Zhao notes, adding that dozens of studies including her own have found that people feel happier after performing acts of kindness. She pointed out that too often we exaggerate the odds that others will rebuff our request for help. (I wrote about Zaki’s work on empathy and kindness at work in “The Business Case for Empathy”)
Are You Afraid to Ask for Help at Work?
As a leadership coach, I guide others in recognizing and turning around these unproductive beliefs at work and in all areas of life.
Since the attitudes and the behaviors that accompany them are deeply personal, a good way to start is to look in the mirror to see if we are avoiding asking for and/or accepting offers of help.
Check out the list of underlying beliefs above to see which sound familiar. Ask yourself: When you feel overwhelmed by too much work or responsibility, how inclined are you to request help from your boss, a co-worker, your partner or a friend?
As a Leader, Know the Behaviors Contributing to Burnout
Executives and managers, you may be unconsciously allowing these negative attitudes to interfere with your ability to supervise, delegate, manage job duties and, of course, how you take care of yourself.
When you accept too much work, micromanage staff, demand perfection and/or try to do it all alone, you’re working unsustainably. More research isn’t needed to show that these behaviors lead to burnout – and burnout leads to serious health issues, career interruptions, as well as staff turnover, low productivity and drags on an organization's bottom line and mission.
Identify Where the Resistance Shows Up & Facilitate Open Dialog with Your Team
If you’re supervising other people, pay attention to if, when and where the reticence to getting help shows up in your team. How does it contribute to work falling through the cracks and missing deadlines? Are such beliefs contributing to low morale and lost opportunities? You might administer an anonymous survey to get started.
To the extent possible, document each instance where a team member asking for help would likely have led to a better outcome. Write up these examples in anonymous, nonjudgmental language and share them with the team.
Create a safe space to dialogue about ways you and they could better support each other. For instance, it’s generally easier to ask someone for a very specific, time-limited request than a more open-ended request for “support.” It’s also a lot easier to comply with a specific ask.
The HBR authors point out, “If you want to be fulfilled and successful at work, it’s important to acknowledge when you’re working beyond your individual capacity and be open to seeking assistance.”